Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Cape Town Eating and the Two Maxwells

Julia, Gaciru, Timothy, and I, otherwise known as Juci Limothy, are currently voyaging in Cape Town, one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever visited; it's sandwiched by the sea and Table Mountain. If you’re not sure where to go to university, go to UCT.

The only downside to Cape Town is that the weather is as confused as a chameleon on a smarties box (I shamelessly stole that second part from Madame G). We were in a tour bus on Monday, and out of nowhere a freezing fog rolled in, and we couldn’t see anything at all.

Speaking of traveling through clouds, we flew here on Kulula, which is a comedic, no frills airline. As we were landing, the air hostess made this announcement:

“Please do not forget anything you brought on board; any belongings left on the plane will be divided among the crew. If you must leave anything, please make sure it is something we will like. But please, no spouses on children; we are desperately trying to get some of our own.”

Unfortunately, they weren’t as logical as they were funny. My hand luggage weighed too much, but it was one bag inside of the other, so I took the inside one out. The lady then told me that since the two bags were each under the limit, I was welcome to take both on board.

I know what I’m doing next time:




Our first day in town was filled with Maxwells. We were served not by one, but two of them. The first was Maxwell 1, our taxi driver. He was incredibly friendly, scolded us for not conversing in his cab, and gave us an excellent rate. He was a perfect human. The second was our waiter at Nandos, Maxwell 2. He was forgetful, undedicated to the task of bringing us rolls, and charged me for an extra spicy rice. He was as amnesiac as Maxwell 1 was talkative.

On the upside, I did learn that chicken livers are not as good as chicken meat.

Thankfully, we found other people to serve us food, most notably Gaciru’s future husband, Bruno Mars. He’s not actually Bruno Mars, but there is some resemblance, so that’s his name for now. He’s so adorable he could live in FAO Schwartz, and he has a winning smile that almost covers his braces, which he manages to make cute. He also makes ordering food very fun.



Bruno Mars works at our new watering hole, Food Inn, which is an affordable authentic Indian restaurant. Intrepidly, I’ve only ordered things that I haven’t heard of before. On Monday, I had a bright pink milkshake called Bombay Falooda. It had gelatinous rice noodles in it, and tasted like nothing I’d ever had before. Wikipedia tells me it had rose syrup in it. Hectic, no?

I only use hectic ironically, by the way.

Actually, Food Inn isn’t our watering hole at all, because as all US citizens should know, our national watering hole is Subway. We can't go to Subway in Jo'burg, so that first Cape Town footlong felt like sipping nectar from the chalice of Bachus, receiving a hug from Mr. Peter, and taking off ice skates, all in one. It felt that good.

I'm saving what we’ve actually done for the next post, but I will end with my favorite part of Cape Town.

For my entire life, I’ve been confused about what to call myself. Am I Taiwanese? Am I American? What about my British love for sarcasm, cardigans, and cold sausages? My grandfather is Irish, the other was from Mainland Chinese, and my middle name is Scandinavian. Perhaps I should call myself Sven McHong... The debate goes on. My individuality could have been pieced together by Matisse on LSD.

But now I’m in Cape Town, a place where Tuesday and Wednesday can’t agree on a season, and where God wasn’t sure whether to create a mountain range, a seaside resort, or a developing metropolis, so he put all three. Most importantly, it’s a city where nobody is certain what they are; Cape Town is the world’s melting pot. Cape Tonians even have a name for mixed people (apart from "other", or "beige"): Coloured. Here, I fit right in.


Wellll no. Because I walk down the street with Gaciru, and South African society is stratified, even in Cape Town. You can be whomever you want and do whatever you want, but not necessarily around whomever you want. Many Cape Tonians are bewildered when they see Half Asians walking down the street with Kenyans. Their heads explode.




Just wait until they hear our accents!

Monday, 21 March 2011

Famous People I Almost Met

Posting during a power cut! I'm magic.

So what has been going on in the weird and wonderful world of the African Leadership Academy? For starters, I attended a talk by Mallam Lamido Sanusi, who is officially the best central bank governor in the world, and an absolute baller. I also saw Thabo Mbeki.




Okay so that’s obviously not true. If you’re currently confused, Thabo Mbeki was the president of South Africa, and AIDS and Mugabe were his two major policy failings. If you’re currently outraged, it’s also fair to point out that Mbeki is and was an extremely shrewd politician, a strong proponent of the “African renaissance”, and the in some ways the co-creator of the African Union, along with Olesegun Obasanjo. He was on the whole a great leader, with peaks and troughs.

Anyway, so this is what really happened: I had just woken up and was doing my homework on a couch in a state of extreme drowsiness when all of a sudden, Thabo Mbeki and an escort of six blazer-clad students stopped next to me. I wanted to get up and talk to him, but I was wearing tank top, 70% of my hair was on the left side of my head, and I was so surprised that I couldn’t think of how to begin the conversation.


Thankfully, I stayed on the couch and pretended not to exist. The tour group admired some vegetables growing outside and then left. It was an underwhelming experience, but on the bright side, I am now a member of a wonderfully exclusive club: “People Who Have Been 6ft from Thabo Mbeki Whilst Still In Their Pajamas.” Only at ALA.

A few days later, I missed a talk by Francis Collins by unwittingly going off campus during it. Disappointed, I made investigations into how we got the director of the US National Institutes of Health to come to ALA, and I discovered that Mr. Scudder and him are besties. Now that’s what I call keeping good company.

Since I don’t have much to say about Francis Collins, I’m going to substitute with Mr. Scudder. Mr. Scudder is ALA’s head of science, and so clever that he has only ever used the words “stressed” and “overwhelmed” as expressions of pity for others. He is from Nashville, works part time as the muse of integrity, and is a wonderful hall master. Mr. Scudder also has one small yet consistent mannerism: everything he says could be preceded by the phrase “Well, (insert name here), quite frankly…” It might not immediately make sense at the moment, but it will.

Have you noticed that Mr. Scudder’s eyebrows are almost constantly raised, and that he often nods when he’s talking to you? You probably have. Well, those are the top two indicators of forthrightness. Happy, pensive, angry, or cordial, Mr. Scudder is always forthright. Here are some examples of how "Well, (insert name here), quite frankly…” can be very easily inserted into Mr. Scudder’s sentences:


ME: How are you Mr. Scudder?
MR. SCUDDER: Well quite frankly Liam, I’m doing well.


Mr. Scudder is always doing well.


EMMANUEL: Mr. Scudder, can you please let me into your classroom? I left my laptop there…
MR. SCUDDER: Well quite frankly Emmanuel, I caaaan't I’m afraid. But quite frankly, why don’t you come by later, and maybe I can help you then.



MR. SCUDDER: Well quite frankly Mohamadou, you got me drop!*


This is Mr. Scudder’s code for “throw the Frisbee backwards”.


ME: Mr. Scudder, I think Jeshi should make smores during our bonfire.
MR. SCUDDER: Well quite frankly Liam, I like your style, and I think playing guitar next to a roaring bonfire is the best thing ever! And quite frankly, I majored in fireside strumming in college, with a minor in taking every class I wanted…just to see how many unconnected A’s I could get. It was, frankly…awesome.


My father is a geneticist.

So what's the result of all this directness? Mr. Scudder is harder to disagree with than Ms. Gater. That's an achievement and a half.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Absense Makes...The Thumb Grow Bigger

I now post so infrequently that it’s unlikely anybody checks this blog regularly, but if you do, I’m very sorry. In my defense, I haven’t been able to hold a pen accurately for two weeks. My thumb was horribly infected and inflamed, and after antibiotics failed, the doctor injected anesthetic into it with a pocket bayonet, and then physically removed the infection with her scalpel. Until a few days ago, my cartoons looked like this:



If you think it looks exactly the same as usual, please don't tell me.

I also spent the entire week picking stuff up with just my index and middle fingers, which was awesome because I felt like a T-Rex, and not so awesome because I couldn't lift anything heavier than my tictacs.

I attempted to used my left hand, which up until this point in my life had just three purposes:

1) to club things very lightly.
2) to shake somebody's hand when my right hand was busy holding something bulky.
3) to type the letters a,s,d, and f over and over again in a random and continuous stream.

This shall forever be the week when I realized that I cannot brush my teeth or shave lefty. The whole experience reminded me of a nursery rhyme my dad used to read me when I was tiny:

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said 'What a good boy am I!’


Unfortunately, my thumb only looked like there was a plumb stuck on it.

I have a backlog of prospective posts now, so more stuff to follow, starting Monday, when I wProxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

l have access to a scanner again. Possible topics include US foreign policy in the Middle East, James Franco, Mr. Scudder, and Ms. Mhlaba.