Somewhat inevitably, I fell asleep early on. The sport’s players might have been the scariest behemoths I’d ever set eyes on, but they took way too many breaks. It was baffling to me that someone had taken rugby, chess, batman’s suit, and Hagrid’s naptime, and slammed them all together into one three hour activity. I woke up to see one of the Mannings lifting a massive trophy.
As time went on though, I grew to love the Superbowl. After learning the rules, I realized football is very cool. Of course, there was also something much bigger at hand: the ads. The Superbowl had brilliant and funny promotions, and like millions of Americans, I preferred them over the actual sport.
Unfortunately, ESPN does not extend the commercials to South Africa. So this year, we had to watch this:
NBA All Star Game
Self explanatory.
ESPN Sports Center
Man wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey dragging people into a parking lot during a fire drill as a bizarre group of individuals, including a dwarf and a Viking, watched on. Eh?
The Daytona 500
I have a theory on how NASCAR started. Basically, there were loads of people in the 1940s who made really fast cars to smuggle alcohol past the police, and then one day, they decided to race. Unfortunately, all that booze had given them this rare disease that erased their ability to turn right. It was horrible; every time they wanted to do it, they had to rotate 270˚ in the other direction. So they designed a track that even non ambi-turners could manage; they created a massive oval to drive around for hours at a time (anti-clockwise, of course). Thus, NASCAR was born.
Today, it is amazingly popular, including with some students at ALA. When I found that out, I was mortified.
Tim Richmond to The Limit
NASCAR does have one excellent element though: its drivers. They have elegant handlebar moustaches and daredevil courage, “because life doesn’t have a warning flag”, and they sweat beads of godly nectar. Tim Richmond was one such man. It wasn’t really clear what he did, but he it was clearly awesome. The highlight of the commercial was him pouring a small paper cup of water on his face. Get in there!
ESPN’s Logo
Naaaaaah nahnahnah. Nah!!
ESPNsoccernet press pass
Annoying British man named Adrian Healey with an ugly tie sitting at a desk and promoting a press pass to some event. I couldn’t understand him, but he might as well have been saying, “Haha Liam! Look at me, I’m boring, and you have to watch me, even though I am not a 2011 Superbowl ad! Which, by the way, you will never see, because your school doesn’t even allow Youtube! Muahahahaha!!”
By the end of the night, we had seen all of the advertisements about six times each, and I hated Adrian Healey.
Fortuitously, the Superbowl has one other bonus that we did not miss out on: the half time show. This year it was the Black Eyed Peas. The performance was essentially a fluorescent version of the 2008 Beijing Olympics opening ceremony, and it was quite entertaining, especially the two guest appearances. One was Usher, who jumped over Will. I. Am. and landed in the splits (!!!), and the other was Slash, the former Guns N’ Roses member and probably the second best electric guitarist of time after Jimmy Hendrix. Interesting African fact: he is also half Nigerian.
Unfortunately, there was one major drawback: Fergie. Not only did she ruin her own songs, but she butchered absolute classic, “Sweet Child of Mine”. She sounded like seasick bagpipes. She was also dressed like the world’s most top-heavy prostitute; glittery football pads and a leather mini skirt did not suit her, especially when she started grinding on Slash. I felt for him.
Artist's impression of popular reaction to Fergie's performance
All in all though, the game itself was exciting, and it was an excellent Superbowl, even if I was rooting for the Steelers.
L. I. Am? I thought you were Blingvar!
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